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Gone for a while.. [11 Sep 2004|07:04pm]
Hey everyone.. Some shit has been going on; so I won't be around for a while.
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[08 Sep 2004|09:45pm]
Hmm, well, another interesting day.

+ Woke up today all late, chilled with staticfanatic today. She's cool. I missed her a lot. I love the fact that she is a lot older than me, but she can act my age and just chill. She drove me just about everywhere. She subbed at Booker T Washington today. That's a bad school, heh.
+ Got to see my baby, who always demonstrates good hygiene. He's jealous of dyscarebear (Ryan). But me and ryan have been best friends for 2 years, and no guy can destroy that. I love him too much.
+ Cigarettes.
+ Weed.
+ Found out we're leaving to be closer to Birdneck Village, go BV.
+ Going to FC this year, thank gawd.
+ Getting a new layout by saturday.

Yeah. Good stuff.

And I have a secret which I will share with everyone when the time is right. Oh, and welcome to all my new LiveJournal friends:


Yeah. You're my bitches now.
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[07 Sep 2004|10:22pm]
[ mood | high ]

Ohh and guess what. I don't go to school till monday.


I mean.. I wanna go and everything, but.. yeah. Somethings just don't go on schedule. Speaking of schedule, I never recieved it.

I think they think I commited suicide or something.


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[07 Sep 2004|10:19pm]
[ mood | high ]

MM. I love getting high.

It's not even that. I love knowing that I don't have to worry about anything for atleast an hour or two.

Unless I smoke a blunt y myself, that's a few hours.

Hahaha. Yeah. Marijuana makes me smile.

3 stares|post it, bitch

[07 Sep 2004|03:21pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Hmm. Time to post, even though none of you guys read this shit. But that's alright, I'd rather get my emotions out to feel better for myself then entertain people who dont even give a rats ass about me. :) (except darius)

I'm staring at Kaelin. He's unbelievably sexy. I'm glad he's all mine. However, I hate it when guys tell you that they love you. Girls just have this instinct when they are lying or telling the truth. I hate dealing with guys, too. I told myself I'd have a girlfriend this year and then I thought about the idea of being a big hairy dyke and shyed away from the subject. Speaking of dealing with my sexuality, I'm thinking about telling my mom. Hopefully she will just accept me for who I am and not judge me.. but that's wishful thinking. My mom is not exactly the understanding type and even if she was, she probably still wouldn't understand the concept with her being religious and all. Religion distorts your judegment, that's why it's so useless.

On a more serious note, I didn't go to school and I'm not even sure if I will be going anytime soon. I would like to pass yet, but my faimly is in a tight squeeze.

I got oustide a lot more. I've got friends here. Will and Jon, but I'm not really that cool with Jon because he cannot close his fucking mouth. They think I am the coolest. It's so cute.

Sheda went back to school, I am proud of her, she needs to get her light straight again.
Ryans grandparents are here. He is going to tell his mom and greandparents that we're dating to see what they will say. This shall be interesting. I think I will play along.
Brian is pissed at me for saying something I shouldn't of and I've realised that it was a pretty fucked up thing. I sincerely apologize. I'll smoke you up on Saturday.

And everything else is lost in a dream
Faded within memories
Everything seems lost and off track
You can't see beyond the black.

Yeah, that basically sums it up.

Now, Livejournal improvement time.

Hey btw, Amanda MacInally, I found something that I think should belong to you *snickers* IM me sometime.

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ViA Kaelin's Laptop [26 Aug 2004|07:14pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Yeah. Kaelin want's to say hi.

And Kaelin wants to say he loves me. (which he doesn't)

and Kaelin wants me to tell everyone that he spent almost 400 dollars on me the other day. Haha.


post it, bitch

[26 Aug 2004|06:54pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Somtimes I look at myself, and I dont know exactly what I see.
I mean, I know what I see but it's hard to explain. At this day and age, it's really hard to mold yourself. There are the kids that follow the trends, the kids the follow the rules, the stoners, the good-two-shoes, the rebels, the smart kids. I don't know where I fit in. I don't know exactly if I should fit in either. Sometimes, I want to though. I want to be a regular teenager. Sometimes I ask myself what the point to my life is, and some of the times I can't find an answer. My boyfriend, who I heart to death, makes me want to belong somewhere, he says I belong with him, and whether that's true or not, I'm not going to be one of those bitches that only depend on boyfriends to help them through tough times.

I bet half of you that have read this shit don't even know where you belong. You might think you do, and you might say you do.. but you don't. Isn't it funny?

Anyway, my days have been spent on Xanga. I'm a trader, I know, I know, but hey, whatever. I still love my livejournal.

Anyway, today my sister came over and yelled at me.. She said I was prostitute and a ho and all this shit. It was quite depressing, especially since I've never done anything prostituish-like. Heh, whatever. It just made me feel even worse than I was feeling already. I was crying. I hate crying, because now I'm uber sleepy and can hardly keep my head lifted. Why is life so hard? Why does God allow everything to be so damn trivial? *sigh* And since that bitch don't exist, I guess i'll never know..

post it, bitch

Sheda's. [12 Aug 2004|01:25pm]
[ mood | calm ]

My best friend, Sheda, came back today.. she was in Canada for a long ass time.. and I missed her a whole lot. We chilled yesterday and I spent the night last night too. I'm at my friend, Ashley's house right now.

We also saw Doug yesterday <3 The first thing outta his mouth was "Where the hell did you disappear off to?!" and I said "I just .. disappeared. Fuck everyone." He then proceeded to kick me. Then he gave me a hug and said that he loved me. I was relatively happy..

I didn't see Matthew though.. he's in Canada for a vacation, it suck... no matt. No hugging and kissing and touching.. and matthewing.

And TJ had sex with Brandi after we broke up... and he had sex with her after I sucked his dick...and after he said I was too fast for him. Fuck that bitch.

And.. after all of these days, I'm starting to miss the Jub-Jub. Hopefully I will be able to see him or atleast hear his voice for my b-day.

Which is tomorrow. And all of everyone better get me something or else.

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[10 Aug 2004|03:38pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

I can't help myself. I'm doing this shit the right way. Starting with the layout.

post it, bitch

[05 Aug 2004|08:04pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

Ohh ahh. Stole the idea from staticfanatic, but her layouts are always so prettiful.

How you say my love in spanish? "Me amo!"
How you say my love in thug? "Can I hit it raw?"

I'm always so artistic autistic

Ryan, I miss you. Call moi. Kiss kiss.

post it, bitch

[05 Aug 2004|07:11pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I'm happy my baby got a livejournal.

Well.. not exactly MY baby.. but one of my babies.. except, he's not in my posession, really..

well, you know what I mean.

Read dsctt726, maybe you will.. like it.

Anyway, in other news, I'm going to have to make all my entries public so my best friend, Ryan, can read it.
You happy now, Bitch? <3

I hate how people think I'm naive. Yesterday, a guy that i liked, called me a tease.. and I got furious.
Read between the lines to find out what happened next.

post it, bitch

[13 Feb 2004|05:31pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Jeffrey is ghey... all I want is him and I suppose maybe that's just a bit too hard for people to understand. That's what I want. I don't fucking give a rats-ass if I am too young to "know what I want". I'm more mature than most of my peers, so if anyone has a problem with me knowing what the fuck I want in life, just fuck off. << Okay, that statement didn't actually help my "maturity" statement, but seriously. I just hate when people don't think that I'll be something. I'm something *with* him. He gave me inspiration to just be here today. But whatever, we're in a fight, per usual, anyway.

And you know.. I'm not very sad about leaving Kellam. Yeah, I know I'm leaving Alison behind, and the countless other that heart me to death (Like my good friend, Nick ^_^) but my last A class for English proved to me that I didn't belong there and that I'd probably me much more happier in a different atmosphere, somewhere where I can really achieve my goals and bring my letter-grades up so I can just be better. Somewhere where I'll have to drive to get up at the asscrack of dawn to do work and see my peers. Hopefully, Landstown will provide and.. if not, I suppose I will just fail.

Anyway, about english class, Nige and Byron were basically telling me what they didn't and did like about me, appearance-wise.. I remember Alison saying that if they were talking about her the way that they were talking about me, she'd be pretty upset. 1) I was upset, but I just hate letting people know that they are getting to me. Usually when people say bad things about me, I either brush it off with a laugh (because usually what they say *is* truthful, but also can be rather hurtful) or I just defend myself as well as I can if I feel like the statement was *absolutely unnecessary*. 2) I discourage myself whole-heartedly from stooping down to my classmates levels and just doing what the "cool kids" do, or doing something to be humourous -- I was taught better than that, and I just think that those kind of people are stupid.

(And before I go on, I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I just have some morals that I stick to.. I hope I don't come off as cocky or pretentious..)

So yeah, they were talking about my appearance and how a "girl isn't supposed to look the way I do/did". I must admit, they did strike a bit of a blow, and they pissed me off.. but then again, if I have someone I love and that loves me for who I am -and- how I look, what they say is basically a simple whisper in the wind, a nothing. It was, though, unappropriate of the. I know I'm not beautiful, and I'm not trying to be.. and the fact that they just blew it up into a giant issue pissed me off and just showed me how judgemental people can be.. all they care about is looks.. I don't think I'm *ugly* I just think I'm not that attractive, and apparently, that view is shared by other people.. they think I need to "clean myself up" and not wear my sweatshirt anymore, or put my hair in a bun, or wear Vans. But I do it because I don't feel as if I have to impress anyone.. the one I want, I have, and that's all that I want. But yeah, I just think I needed to clarify that, mostly for myself, and for anyone else who might be reading my journal to find out how I feel about things.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, and while I'm not expecting to get dozens of presents, there is one thing that I want.. and fortunately, he'll be here tomorrow, just for me. ^_^

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Thankful.. [04 Feb 2004|07:35am]
[ mood | thankful ]

One of the things I love about him is that fact that he always seems to care, even when I do most horrendous things a human being could ever do. I love him for this. He told me that he loved me, even when I feel like right now, I'm proving him otherwise. I love him, i love him with all my heart, for it's the only thing I've known for two years. For someone my age, two years is a long time, and I cherish all the time we have together. He's not like a typical teenage boy, as a matter of fact, he's not even a teenage boy, he's more than that. And I love him. I love him and all out late night phonecalls fighting and talking about our problems, then followed by one of our sessions <3 I love Jeffrey Stovall way much more that I could ever love a man.. he told me I was his ... and I believe him. I'm just finally glad that I can relate to all the countless others who say "yeah, I have someone special".. cos I do, too. But the part that sucks is that no one thinks we'll survive.. but I do. But I guess only time will have the true answer, huh?

I did some really bad stuff that I'm subjectively ommiting from this and any post. Just somethings between me and jeffrey that I'm not proud of.. and for him to just come out and make a commitment to me that I'd never think that he would be able to make in more than 4 years.. it breaks my heart to know that I have ever doubted his love for me.

Heather, you're my life saver. If it wasn't for you, I would be dead right now. Well.. that's almost true. But you know what I'm talking about.. (RP) Anyway, I owe you so much.. and i don't think that I could ever fully repay you because the care that you show to me beams through like this magnificent light and for something as priceless as that, I don't know what the repayment could ever be. You're just everything that I want in a best friend.. and thankfully, everything I have. I love you with all my heart and for ever you will own a part of it.

And you, Lexi.. How could I forget about you, hun.. I can't. You've been there for me as opposed to anyone that I fucking know. Since we were pulling off each others diapers and telling each other ghost stories with a flashlight.. remember when we went camping with your dad? LOL Only you, lexi, would pull the shit I've seen you pull. You're a great person.......... and I'm glad I have you. You've got me out of anything.... and gotten yourself out, and for this I admire you so much. I love you with all my heart... probably more than any other person on this earth..because I know that we're not just best friends -- we're sisters.. and nothing can break that bond..... Absolutely nothing.

And just for anyone else who simply gave a damn about my general welfare, thank you. I truely appreciate it.

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[29 Jan 2004|03:28pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Just a Note:

I've gotten some emails from people saying shit about my livejournal. If you don't like it, please don't read it. If you don't want to read it, please don't come to my site. And don't come to my site just to spew shit. I'm done with this all.

Fuck you all for thinking that I need help. Well.. okay, I do. ^_^ But hey, I am definitely not an angsty teenager. Infact, I don't think I am like my schoolmates at all. I'm not beautiful, I'm not well liked, people say bad things about me, I've only had a couple of boyfriends (whom I've all cherished and grown to love) and I'm not popular.

Sometimes I have to admit. I wish things for different. But other days, where people can be happy with my originality and differences from the typical student of my age, it all seems so worth it. I wish I was better looking, I wish I was more popular, I wish more people loved me.... but I guess it doesn't work that way.. and I stop cutting and if I stop pittying myself, maybe that feeling of patheticism and feelings of not fitting in just might gradually vanish, untill one day, I notice it's gone and I'm happy forever.

Today was cool, I guess. Exams are a bitch. But I'm sure I passed them. Atleast, I hope. I need to turn in all my waivers, ain't that a bitch? I wish school was optional. I really do. Why does the law care if we learn? Why should learning be a law when in reality we the students make the decision if we want to learn a lot. Meehh. I went into the girls restroom today and I really had to go. See, I can't hold my pee like normal people do. Noooh! I have to go right away because of my distressed bladdar problems. Fuck me.

Anyway -- So yeah, in the bathroom. And I go into the handycapped bathroom and it had period blood in it. Okay, pass. So this girl comes out of one of the best stall and I decide to go in after her... only learning that she overflowed the bathroom. So of course I had to embarass her and I told the whole bathroom she took a huge dump and it was floating at the top.. (they were all my friends) and i just HAD to flush it again. And i did! And I ran because the poop came flowing out, into the hallway. How cute, huh?

I'm boring today. I swear, whenever I find the inspiration to write, I promise myself I'd write. But then, when I sit down. get comfy in the chair, I lose most of it. Gawd.

Atleast I have tomrrow off. And tomorrow I'm going to do, you guessed it, absolutely nothing.

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Another Update [28 Jan 2004|04:00pm]
[ mood | cold ]

So yeh, today was alright. Me must tell all about my week.

Depressed. I feel pathetic that i let a boy control my feelings.. but for all of you out there looking at me and saying that I'm a loser because of this, please know that it is very hard when you love someone to not let them get to you. I know the definition of love.. and you know, I love Jeffrey. A lot. And I'm glad he loves me, too... We just have loads of issues. Sometimes I feel as if he doesn't even care. Last night, I wrote him a long email explaining how I felt and stuff.. he always told me if i wanted this to work, I'd have to tell him how i feel..

And I told him I wanted a break from all this, maybe a month or two.. *shrugs* Hope I'm making the right decision.

In other news, me and Ryan and best friends again, YES! I love that kid so much and he loves me back.. I'm glad I have my best friend back..

Also, the exams are fairly easy. I can't wait till English. Right, Alison? I hope you study for english exams on Moday.

Yeah. Life is getting better. I stopped cutting and burning a few days ago... and hopefully I wont start again.. people are getting suspicious of my sweatshirts... :-/

Mehhh Speaking of that, I told Jeffrey I cut and he say the scars and burns.. he was pretty disappointed in me.. and I didn't want that. I do it because I like it... it's my drug. And I know that sounds fucking retarded.. but oh well. ^_^

Anyway, later.

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[17 Jan 2004|03:59pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Me and staticfanatic did each others layouts... I did hers and she did mine..

[EDIT: And for the judges snooping around MY LJ for HER Layout, I didnt DO it. I just picked it from the other ones she had. And get the fuck out of my livejournal. I fucking despise nosey people.]

It's a grey background now, but it had a really beautiful picture of Jessica Alba, unfournately it wasn't showing her whole body, only her leg. (she was in a sit down position) So check her layout out.

Anyway, yeah, great days. I went to classes a week straight, I'm proud of myself. I really do like class now. Well, strip away my obnoxious classmates, my no-good-no-teaching classmates, and a few homework assignments it'd be a ton of a lot better. But, hey, you can't always get what you want in life. -sigh-

I need to get my inspiration back, now. I've lost it for some reason. Now, everytime it seems like I'm in the best mood to just write and share it goes away and so does the cloud of self-esteem. Poof, gone. And that's exactly what I need. Especially right now. I know people might think that my life is just a piece of fucking cake. Gawd do I wish it was. I don't believe in God or Jesus, and I catch flack for it. I don't go to class alot, and I catch flack for it. And in my mothers eyes, I can't do anything right. I know, I know, I'm young. Blah blah blah. Spare me the bullshit. I had no choice but to grow up as I had to grow up at a very young age. My complete childhood was a blur of confusion and my parents indecisive plans for my future. Wait. Parent. That's right, my father walked out on me. And a year ago, when I was tired of fighting with him, he told me I was a mistake. -shakes her head and smiles- I'm just rambling so I think I'll just put the rest under the cut. Just incase you guys dont want to hear my ranting. I sound pityful, don't I?

requiem of a dreamCollapse )

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[12 Jan 2004|11:14pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Didn't have to go to class, today. But I must must must return tomorrow. Just in time for english class. Yippee!

*sobs and begs allison to come and take her away from english*

Blah, but we can't. You've probably gone beddy-bye-bye by now.. so I suppose I'll just catch you in the hall. Ack, guilty conscience. We've already failed that class, anyway, lol. What's the harm in one more day? -_-

Anyway, had a good day today. Tomorrow, at 4:00 am, I call Jeffrey. I've become really attached to him nowadays and it's starting to scare me. Hmmph. Boring, boring posts.

Maybe after a day of drama-filled learning, I can tell you something more appealing.

1 stare|post it, bitch

Love me, hold me, squeeze me, never let me go. [11 Jan 2004|09:02pm]
[ mood | morose ]

Yet another bad dream, but I don't feel like telling it all right now. So anyway, I woke up about 8:30 and listened to messages that Jeffrey had left me from yesterday. They were so sweet. I can't even imagine losing him, my life would crumble. Slowly, and painfully. I know it's pathetic that he's my lifeline, but what can I do? -shrugs- Anyway..

He told me I could call him, and I did about 8:30, and his momma told me he was in california this week so I did my C-A-L-L-A-T-T thing and hung up. Called back about 10 minutes later and we had a 'session' with each other. I love our sessions, he makes me feel so good, so loved, so happy. I just wish he was holding me, for real, instead of over the phone. But with my internet addiction, and his constant travel schedule, that rarely happens. However, when it does, it's whismical. Makes me so happy, just to know that someone cherishes me so much -smiles and shrugs- He had to go because he was sleepy, so I called him back about 3 hours later and talked for about 30 mins because he had to go picket and take care of Max and Sam.

Then I got online. For some reason, my computer keeps fucking up and getting on my goddamn nerves -sigh- But whatever, man, I'll get over it. I think it's just whenever I use AIM. After about 4 hours of True Life, Brian calls me and completely annoys the shit out of me. But that's okay, that's what friends do best. He's alright, I suppose, maybe it's just because I get annoyed at the little things.. Frienship means a lot to me because I honestly don't have a lot of them, and I'm fine with that. When I consider you a friend, you mean something to me and I love and adore and cherish you... but sometimes my friends, specifically brian, takes advantage of that by lying and saying the most profound and unnecessary things that he could possibly say and that aggrivates and pisses me off. Blah. I'm rambling.

I wish things could get better.
I wish life was easy.
I wish people would accept me for who I am.
I wish that people would understand me better, because I'm greatly misunderstood and greatly underestimated.
I wish people wouldn't take advantage of me.
I wish I wasn't such a goddamn emo.

Fuck, I need to stop wishing and starting doing. Seeyall's tomorrow. Yet another fun and adventurous day at class! Yippee!
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[10 Jan 2004|10:30am]
[ mood | sad ]

Sleepy. Oh-so-sleepy. I had a bad dream too. I suppose I'll put it underneath an LJ-cut just incase I have those who could care-less about my sappy-nighmares that I can't wait to get out of and when I do, I starting crying at just the thought of knowing that it could happen.

so here we goCollapse )

I can't wait to go outside and play with the rest of the snow but I might end up hanging out with Alexis and Lance (her boyfriend). Movies and lunch, oh-so-fun. I hope it removes me from my semi-depressed state that I'm lingering in right now *sigh*

Later, loves.

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Watching the snowflakes fall from the sky.. [09 Jan 2004|05:35pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Usually, I'm very nice to those who are mean to me. I mean, it's not secret that I'm not the blonde haired-blue eyed-freak that everyone wants me to be. I can't help being me, I'm me and many people dislike it. And that sucks, for me, I guess, huh? Well, anyway, today in math and english were bad. Actually, Math was pretty good, I learned a lot of things that I was missing. Actually, the whole day seemed to turn out nice, so I guess I'll just tell ya about it.

Spanish was fun. I got my pottery back and it looks like shit. I had made a heart and it is in the form of a heart, I just wanted it be more pretty than it already it. But that's alright, i suppose. I begin glazing it next A day.

Office work was okay, I guess. They all like me there, especially when I run the errand fast enough, just to fetch the ones to the other students before the next helper comes in. Yay for un-paid secretarianism. -blah-

Lunch was alright, I guess. Me and steph sat together, just like any other day, talking about how much we'd like to go home because of the weather and what we had planned for the evening and weekend. Then we went to walk around the school, and I threw a snowball at some random kid walking down the hall. Fucking funny.

Then, on my way to Math, I saw Heather and she was feelin' kinda sick, so I checked up on her. She was proud of me and my pegging-of-the-snowball, heh. ^_^ Math was okay, Nijee and Wayne get on my nerves though. So does Mike Lane. But me and Randy are actually becoming friends so I guess that's cool. Randy told me that he'd go up to anyone that he thought was ugly and tell him that they were pretty. *smiles and shakes her head* That boy is funny!

Oh, and he reminds me of Mike Harris a bit, too *snickers* Speaking of him, I got a hug from him today. Mike's hugs are always super special because I hardly ever see him anymore -weep- he's a cool kid, and he'd probably be even more cooler if you stripped away his perverse mind-set, heh. But we can't all be perfect.

English was a fucking blur, as I hate going to that particular class. And it seemed to be my day to just get picked on, and that's okay. I don't take what they say personally. None of what they say is really... bothersome, it's just the fact that they choose one person everyday and focus on them till the chosen one gets very tired and just caters to them. And for those who know me, know that i don't fucking cater to anyone. Never. Never will and I wont start for a couple of punks who think they are 'gangstas' *smiles and shrugs* Yeah, but beside that, today was wonderful.

Now waiting for my Jub-Jub to call me back. My sisters are playing in the snow. It was such a delightful day today, just daydreaming about love while watching the snowflakes briskfully fall from the sky.


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