Jeffrey is ghey... all I want is him and I suppose maybe that's just a bit too hard for people to understand. That's what I want. I don't fucking give a rats-ass if I am too young to "know what I want". I'm more mature than most of my peers, so if anyone has a problem with me knowing what the fuck I want in life, just fuck off. << Okay, that statement didn't actually help my "maturity" statement, but seriously. I just hate when people don't think that I'll be something. I'm something *with* him. He gave me inspiration to just be here today. But whatever, we're in a fight, per usual, anyway.
And you know.. I'm not very sad about leaving Kellam. Yeah, I know I'm leaving Alison behind, and the countless other that heart me to death (Like my good friend, Nick ^_^) but my last A class for English proved to me that I didn't belong there and that I'd probably me much more happier in a different atmosphere, somewhere where I can really achieve my goals and bring my letter-grades up so I can just be better. Somewhere where I'll have to drive to get up at the asscrack of dawn to do work and see my peers. Hopefully, Landstown will provide and.. if not, I suppose I will just fail.
Anyway, about english class, Nige and Byron were basically telling me what they didn't and did like about me, appearance-wise.. I remember Alison saying that if they were talking about her the way that they were talking about me, she'd be pretty upset. 1) I was upset, but I just hate letting people know that they are getting to me. Usually when people say bad things about me, I either brush it off with a laugh (because usually what they say *is* truthful, but also can be rather hurtful) or I just defend myself as well as I can if I feel like the statement was *absolutely unnecessary*. 2) I discourage myself whole-heartedly from stooping down to my classmates levels and just doing what the "cool kids" do, or doing something to be humourous -- I was taught better than that, and I just think that those kind of people are stupid.
(And before I go on, I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I just have some morals that I stick to.. I hope I don't come off as cocky or pretentious..)
So yeah, they were talking about my appearance and how a "girl isn't supposed to look the way I do/did". I must admit, they did strike a bit of a blow, and they pissed me off.. but then again, if I have someone I love and that loves me for who I am -and- how I look, what they say is basically a simple whisper in the wind, a nothing. It was, though, unappropriate of the. I know I'm not beautiful, and I'm not trying to be.. and the fact that they just blew it up into a giant issue pissed me off and just showed me how judgemental people can be.. all they care about is looks.. I don't think I'm *ugly* I just think I'm not that attractive, and apparently, that view is shared by other people.. they think I need to "clean myself up" and not wear my sweatshirt anymore, or put my hair in a bun, or wear Vans. But I do it because I don't feel as if I have to impress anyone.. the one I want, I have, and that's all that I want. But yeah, I just think I needed to clarify that, mostly for myself, and for anyone else who might be reading my journal to find out how I feel about things.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, and while I'm not expecting to get dozens of presents, there is one thing that I want.. and fortunately, he'll be here tomorrow, just for me. ^_^